Itachi's horrible life
by Kilee Drifter
Summary: Itachi has a horrible life after the massacre in the Akatsuki. He is OOC, and there is some Deidara x Konan. Chapter 4 up. Rating up to T for later chapters. I know, I'm a perv. CRACK FIC!
1. Day 1  Deidara's Jealousy

**This is a more lighthearted story about Itachi's life in the Akatsuki. It may have more chapters, and I hope you like it. Also, Itachi is VERY OOC. Well...I hope you enjoy it.**

**Itachi's bad days, and Deidara x Konan.**

**I claim nothing but this crack fanfiction. For all else, standard disclaimer applies.**

**Thank you for reading.**

_Kilee Drifter.

* * *

_

It was a bright sunny morning when Uchiha Itachi got up. He hated bright sunny mornings. However, Pein, having not assigned any new missions, Uchiha Itachi decided that today, for once in his life, he'd sleep in. Then...it happened.

"GOOD MORNING ITACHI-SAN!" Hoshigaki Kisame, Itachi's partner in crime aka "the morning loving fish faced dobe" screamed.

"Kisame, you have five seconds before you turn into fish fry." the older Sharingan user deadpanned. It was six in the morning and already, Itachi had to endure his schedule:

Every morning when they didn't have a mission to attend to, Hoshigaki Kisame would burst into his partner's room exactly 15 seconds from when the clock in his OWN room hit six and proceed to awaken him in the most annoying fashion. Screaming. But at least it wasn't Deidara, who had C-1 explosives in his hands and pockets.

When Itachi sat down for breakfast at seven, Tobi, aka "the good boy" would leak out all his thoughts about ANYTHING that came to mind on none other than the crimson eyed boy himself. As if going BLIND wasn't enough, Itachi feared for his hearing too.

A quarter to eight meant that training was starting, and Itachi HATED that Konan would knock him straight out cold if she chose to show up.

Itachi didn't want to worry about the rest for the hour's worth of peace he had...but maybe today he could evade the chances of one of the events he had to endure. After brushing his teeth, washing his face, and getting dressed (he showered after training because he'd be all sticky anyway), he walked out of his room into the hall of the hideout's complex. Then he smirked.

Konan was looking out the window. If Itachi wanted to evade a brutal defeat, he could always pull out the good old Uchiha charm.

"Konan-san...how are you today?" Itachi said. Konan, turned to face him so that her blue eyes could be seen amidst the neat and tidy blue ponytail, with the front of the right side down. She grimaced. This wasn't the normal Itachi who walked past with no emotions visible to the human eye.

"Fine Itachi-san." Konan said, turning back. The way Itachi had greeted her was different, not only for him, but for most people in general. His voice was still slightly cold and monotone, but with the slightest air of interest in any possible answer he could have recieved. Was that an interest in her, or was the Uchiha murderer just bored?

_Probably the latter of the two._

"So Konan-san, are you training today?" He asked.

"It's not like the training times are set Itachi-san. We don't even have to actually spar anyway if we wanted too. Most of the time I just meditate. But yes, I may go today." Konan replied, hoping that the answer would clarify any interest Itachi had so that he'd leave her in peace.

"I need to go to the nearby village today. I was thinking of buying some weapons."

"That's great."

"You know, at this time of year in that village, many young men my age are looking for suitable brides. I don't want to attract any attention. Would you care to join me when I go?" Konan looked at Itachi questionably.

"And just what time will we be back?"

"Probably an hour after training."

"If I went with you, Deidara-kun would be very mad about the fact that I decided to pose as YOUR fiance."

Itachi realized that this wasn't going to work. Konan smiled.

"But of course," Konan smirked, "I'd be more than happy to make sure you get your butt kicked after you get back."

Now there was only one way that had a chance of getting Konan off his back. Itachi smirked at her again, then gently touched her shoulder.

"Itachi-san you idiot mind your own space." Konan snapped. That temper of hers was flaring through. Itachi didn't have much time. He leaned in by her ear to try and stun her with what he was going to say.

"But Konan-san, what if I want to stay with someone as pretty as you?" Itachi whispered. Besides the slight, almost undetectable tone of arrogance and feigned lust, Itachi was actually pulling off an innocent air to his voice. Just as Konan was about to kick, Itachi put his other hand to the nape of her neck for balance and kissed her. Konan was making squealing, "helpmeimgoingtodie" noises from her own mouth while trying DESPERATLY not to open her mouth. Who knew what Itachi was thinking. Just then, the Uchiha was going to pay the price when a certain blonde-haired explosionist came on the scene.

"Itachi you baka! Just what are you doing with my girlfriend, un?" A shocked Deidara screamed. Itachi then found himself taking a one-way trip to the village via C-2 explosion blast, complements of none other than Deidara, who was watching while hugging a shocked Konan.

"There, there Konan-chan, you'll be fine, un. If that baka tries that ever again I'm breaking out the C-4. After all, art is a bang! Un!


	2. Day 1  Bringing down the house

**Second chapter of Itachi's miserable life. No don't get me wrong, Itachi's my favorite character. This is just fun, so to all Itachi fans out there, the Itachi-bashing ain't real. Thank you.**

**I'm sorry this chapter is so short, but I wanted Pein's anger to be reserved for later.**

**Thanks for reading.**

_Kilee Drifter.

* * *

_

When Itachi got back home, it was already three in the afternoon. Now, after being blasted into a village, exposed to his younger brother who was visiting on a mission with his team, having to fight a rasengan (Naruto), two chidoris, (Sasuke and Kakashi), and three kunai (Sakura), Itachi was very exhausted. He walked wearily to his bed and uncovered it. Thus receiving the most horrific moment of his life since Tobi ran around the Akatsuki HQ naked.

Kisame. Hoshigaki. Was. In. His. Bed. With. An. Itachi. Plushie. Hugging. It.

Itachi screamed, then threw the fish out the door before falling asleep, unaware of the torture that was heading his way.

Kisame handed the plushie back to Deidara and Konan, as he received his five dollars. Deidara looked at him and said,

"I'll give you another ten bucks if you get Tobi and keep Itachi up for an hour, un."

Kisame smiled. "It's a deal...TOBI!!!!"

Tobi appeared in an instant. "Kisame-san? Can I join the Akatsuki?" (A/N: This is before Sasori died.)

Kisame grinned. He looked both evil and carnivorous as he said, "Tobi, I got a job for you."

Itachi was passed out in his bed when suddenly...

"ITACHI-SAN! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED TO MARRY KONAN-SAMA!" Tobi shrieked.

Itachi darted awake. Then he looked at Tobi and said, "Why Konan-_sama_?"

"If Tobi doesn't call her that, she hits Tobi! Hard!" Was the simple-minded reply the Sharingan master received.

"And...I DON'T WANNA MARRY HER YOU IDIOT!"

"But Deidara-sempai saw you kissing her."

"KATON! Goukyakuu no jutsu!" A huge blast of fire hit Tobi square on, also blasting into the paper bombs that Kisame had so cleverly placed under a table in Itachi's wall before playing the first nasty prank. Half the room burst into flames, and screaming could be heard from the Pein's chambers.

"ITACHI! YOU IDIOT! FIRST KISAME'S SAMEHADA, MY GOLF CLUB SET, AND NOW YOUR ROOM!? IF THIS KEEPS UP I'LL KILL YOU!" Pein screamed.

Itachi knew right then he was in for it.


	3. Day 2 Kisame's confession

**OMG...I made one of the Akatsuki gay. At least we know that Konan and Deidara are close. Rating is up.**

**Owari.**

_Kilee Drifter

* * *

_

After a weeks worth of probation and beatings from Pein, Itachi was once again on a mission with Konan, Deidara, and Kisame. The mission was not to recover a Jinchurikki, but rather just some intelligence gathering about Konoha's troops. That still meant three days for the four Akatsuki to reach the distant village they were headed to. They camped out in the woods.

"Itachi-san." Kisame said politely. Itachi lifted his head in response.

"I have a confession to make." Kisame said nervously. Deidara and Konan looked on curiosly.

"Well...you see: I'm gay." Itachi raised his eyebrows.

"Why are you telling me this Kisame?" Itachi asked.

"I'm gay and I want you to marry me." Kisame squeaked in a nervous yet very deep shark-like voice. And everyone else passed out.

---An hour and a half later---

Konan woke up in Deidara's arms.

"Konan-chan are you ok? Un?" the explosionist asked.

"What happened Deidara-kun?" she replied.

"When Kisame confessed, Itachi, you, and I all passed out. Itachi woke up first and then I woke up and I was scared because you hit your head and didn't wake up. Un. Anyway don't scare me like that again, un?"

Konan just reached up and kissed Deidara.

---At the same time over by Itachi and Kisame---

"Kisame, _please_ tell me what you said was a lie." Itachi pleaded.

"No." The samehada wielder deadpanned, "Wait, Itachi-san what's that noise?"

"Sounds like grunting." Itachi peeked into the bushes where the noise was coming from to find. Deidara. And Konan. Need I say more?

"WHAT THE!?" Itachi screamed, "Deidara! You're in the forest, not your house!"

Konan screamed. Itachi found a fist in his face.


	4. Day 2 OUCH!

**OMG...I made one of the Akatsuki gay. At least we know that Konan and Deidara are close. Rating is up.**

**Owari.**

_Kilee Drifter

* * *

_

After a weeks worth of probation and beatings from Pein, Itachi was once again on a mission with Konan, Deidara, and Kisame. The mission was not to recover a Jinchurikki, but rather just some intelligence gathering about Konoha's troops. That still meant three days for the four Akatsuki to reach the distant village they were headed to. They camped out in the woods.

"Itachi-san." Kisame said politely. Itachi lifted his head in response.

"I have a confession to make." Kisame said nervously. Deidara and Konan looked on curiosly.

"Well...you see: I'm gay." Itachi raised his eyebrows.

"Why are you telling me this Kisame?" Itachi asked.

"I'm gay and I want you to marry me." Kisame squeaked in a nervous yet very deep shark-like voice. And everyone else passed out.

---An hour and a half later---

Konan woke up in Deidara's arms.

"Konan-chan are you ok? Un?" the explosionist asked.

"What happened Deidara-kun?" she replied.

"When Kisame confessed, Itachi, you, and I all passed out. Itachi woke up first and then I woke up and I was scared because you hit your head and didn't wake up. Un. Anyway don't scare me like that again, un?"

Konan just reached up and kissed Deidara.

---At the same time over by Itachi and Kisame---

"Kisame, _please_ tell me what you said was a lie." Itachi pleaded.

"No." The samehada wielder deadpanned, "Wait, Itachi-san what's that noise?"

"Sounds like grunting." Itachi peeked into the bushes where the noise was coming from to find. Deidara. And Konan. Need I say more?

"WHAT THE!?" Itachi screamed, "Deidara! You're in the forest, not your house!"

Konan screamed. Itachi found a fist in his face.


End file.
